february 1st. 2026

many things have been happening, and nothing at the same time. i just spent the rest of the month being miserable and trying to understand everything that's going on. and suffering from an endless wait, and on top of that, from something i don't really want to face, because of fear.

something i've truly acknowledged to myself, and faced, is that I'm afraid of losing. of losing what i still have. which is very little, but it's still something for me. it's not perfect, but it's something.

i don't live to imagine: "what will be the first great things that will happen, what wonderful things will I experience? What new things will I discover?", on the contrary, i always think, constantly, always, about "what will be the next thing I'm going to lose? What will be the next bad thing that will happen? What will i have to face that will destroy me even more?".

i'm a superstitious person, i always think that admitting these things is what will make them happen. Because there's always something that can see or read this and use it against me. the universe, god, a higher power, whatever. and mind you, I'm an atheist, but i'm terrified of these things. because i don't know what i'll do if i lose.

i've had several crises these past few days, especially yesterday. i couldn't stop thinking about horrible things, about what will happen to me when everything finally "starts," how i'll react, how everything will be, etc. i also feel like nothing is really changing. after my diagnosis came back, i was confirmed with combined presentation ADHD, severe depression, anxious and melancholic symptoms, and suicidal ideation. what made me uncomfortable is that the diagnosis said "subclinical autistic traits but without sufficient criteria to diagnose ASD," and that's when my disappointment reappeared. and that's when i became certain that i had fallen into the statistics of people who were socialized as women (even though I don't identify as a woman myself, but I was born biologically female and that's how they read me), and that's why i suffered these past two weeks in complete silence and disappointment. because again, just like with ADHD (i've suspected this since 2022, meaning it took me four years to finally prove i was right), it will take some more time until i can finally seek help again, this time with someone who truly has expertise with someone who was socialized as a woman and knows how to see "the little things" beneath all the pretense i had to learn from how i was raised by society—and also from what i went through with my parents.



i'm trying to deal with choices, but one thing i always say is that when you have so many choices, you actually have none. i've spent nights and nights, and days and days, instead of enjoying the time, thinking about a future that hasn't even happened yet. thinking about all the horrible scenarios, the people i'll have to live with, talk to, and fit in with. and it's like i'm not even an adult. i hide in my room at the slightest sign of inconvenience, the noise, the people, they tire me and i don't want anything to do with them. i oversleep because i don't want to have to wake up early and deal with the start of the day or with people—even if those people are my family. waking up in the late afternoon is much better. the day goes by faster, and the price is that i lose track of time even more, but in my head it seems like a fair price to pay for not having to go through SO MANY triggers.



i'm not feeling very hopeful, as I've already said, i live my days in fear and distract myself for the rest of the day until the next day. i know i have the privilege of simply hiding. but i'm afraid of how far this might go... things don't stay the same forever, but the funny thing is that i suffer from the same things my whole life. it seems like an endless cycle of repetition.